'I' with the grace of HH Guruji

by Shubham Singh

The word "l" is used most of the time, but do I truly understand who I am or what I am referring to when I say "l"?

When I say, "l am hungry," I think I am referring to my body, my organs, and my mind. When I feel sad or happy, I think I am my emotions and feelings.

So, what am I referring to when I say, "This is my nose," or "This is my ear," or "This is my hand"? Who is "l" in that moment? Is it my body? My mind? My emotions? Or is it all of them together?

Who am l? What is "l"?

I used to hear people say that the aatman (soul) resides within us, in our body, and is the reason we are alive. I often wondered, where is this aatman? Why can't we see it?

At one point, I heard it is located in the heart. But then, why can't we find it?

I searched for answers in scriptures, but I couldn't understand them with my ordinary mind, which was still clouded with its own thoughts and the conditioning it had absorbed from society. Little did I know that understanding the truth requires the grace of a saint or Guru someone who already knows the truth.

Despite my efforts, I used my mind to its fullest capacity, watched many videos, read several books, but I found no clarity. Even after reading that we are aatman itself, it didn't feel like the truth had been proven to me.

I read about karma—how good actions lead to rewards, and bad actions lead to punishments or suffering. I used to worry constantly, thinking that if I did something wrong, I would be doomed to hell, and if I did something good, good things would come to me.

Time passed, and then I met HH Guruji. That was when my entire world began to change.

After receiving his grace, I began to learn about aatman, consciousness, and awareness. I learned about the mind and the heart. But it wasn't really learning in the traditional sense—it was more like Guruji's grace simply opened my eyes. After meeting him, I was able to understand some of the books I had read before, but this understanding wasn't intellectual. It was a deep, experiential knowing, like I could actually feel the truth of what I had read.

I meditated for a year, attended every satsang, focused on my Agya chakra, and followed most of Guruji's guidance. Sometimes, I found it hard to understand, but by not overthinking and just following the path, the answers would come to me. All of this was due to HH Guruji's grace.

When I was told that I am the darkness, I was initially confused. But through meditation, I directed my awareness to the Agya chakra and began to feel that darkness within me and everywhere around me.

During satsang, we were guided to root ourselves in the "l," the aatman. I used to think that the pure mind state or the state of feeling silence was "l."

I kept meditating in this way, and then one day, I received HH Guruji's grace and realized: the "l" is me.

I had always said, "l want to eat," "l want to listen to music," "l feel sad or happy," but I never truly understood what I meant by "l."

The day I truly felt the "l," I cried with happiness and ecstasy.

When I reach a state where the mind is pure, the body feels light, and I close my eyes, there is nothing there, except the one who is feeling everything together—I. And when I bring my awareness to the "l" itself, everything changes.

When my awareness is on the I can hear sounds within. But by "inside," I mean that

my ears are not hearing; I am hearing. The ear is simply a tool that transmits sound to my brain, which then brings it to me—the one who is listening.

That day, my whole perception of the world changed.

The "l" is always with us, near us, and we use the word frequently. But have we ever truly realized it? Have we ever placed our awareness on it? Most of us haven't, and no one can do so without the grace of a Guru.

Thank you, Guruji, for taking birth for people like us.

By staying rooted in the " l," I realized that the problem lies in our identification with our senses and the mind, which is shaped by the senses, and it is because of this

attachment to Maya (illusion) that we are lost.

To progress, we must first understand and follow everything our Guruji says, with complete faith. We must open our hearts to receive his grace and become mere instruments of his will. Guruji will take care of everything.

First, we must withdraw our attention from the senses and realize they are just tools. Then, by focusing our consciousness on the Agya chakra, we gradually detach from the mind—the mind shaped by the experiences we've had through our senses.

"Withdrawal" doesn't mean escaping the mind, but rather detaching from the thoughts, so that only the pure mind remains—the true mind that is ours.

Once we withdraw our attention from the senses and mind, we must simply wait for HH Guruji's grace, because without it, it is impossible to realize the truth. Even when only the "l" remains after withdrawal, we still cannot place our awareness on it without his grace.

The "l" is not an object or a thought; it is a quality. It is the feeling of "being." "l am."

This quality of "l" was there when we were children and remains with us as we grow. Our bodies change, our minds evolve based on life experiences, but that feeling of "l am" has never ceased. It is always there.